The Barnes and Noble Experience

So today I come to you live (or live feed typed out on word to be posted conveniently all at once on blogger after the fact) in a segment I’d like to call Barnes and Nobles: a refuge among hell.

These are the musings of me hour by hour as I wait for my sister to get off her work. In the B&N café, not starbucks, as you will be shot on premises for the mix up.

To start things off, searching for wifi was comparable to Indy’s search for the cradle of doom, sans Nazis. However the ATT wifi service provided could be a close contender. Once managing to find the perfect Wifi spot, the exchange went something like this:

Wifi: Hello and welcome to our FREE Service of awesome!

Me: I would like my internet, please.

Wifi: First please provide all your information including name, age, social security number, cost of your childhood therapy…. Etc

Me: Eff this. *skips*

Wifi: Woah there, Skippy Mc Skipperson! Wouldn’t you like to be placed in our PERMANENT RECORDS FOR ALL ETERNITY?

Me: Wait, what- NO!

Wifi: Oh but I think, no… I KNOW you do!

Me: No! Escape button! Escape button! ESC!

Wifi: I’m sorry Krista, but I can’t let you do that.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wifi, they’ve got you by the balls.

Anywho, after my epic struggle with Big Brother wifi, I came to realize that it not only sucks, but runs incredibly slow. For instance it’s been ten minutes and only my blue background of the blog has actually loaded. I think it’s a giant “F U!” to me for causing so much trouble. Now it’s just sitting there…. Mocking me….. laughing.

It’s a real shame that my sister currently works in the most foot trafficked area in all of Jax. Finding parking is like trying to find a bargain VHS from a seedy store that actually runs. Whilst going to my car to retrieve my laptop I swear I heard the Halloween theme song play eerily in the background. Cars WILL hunt you down like a lion on the Serengeti after a gazelle. They stalk like silent killers to get your space and the amount of guilt and fear built up in me when I had to prove to them that I was, indeed, not leaving, was all but consuming.

I go through the ritual of finding a book that interests me and squatting like a library bum in the only section of the store not teeming with cannibalistic shoppers: The Christian Inspiration section. It’s pretty much a failsafe if you want some peace and quiet.

I spoke too soon. A baby has started harkening in the last judgment of the earth nearby. I think it’s passing a kidney stone by whatever that sound is. Anguish? Eternal turmoil of hell? Exorcism? I don’t know. All I know is that this child has forced me into the fetal position backed up into a corner between The Bible for Dummies and The Idiots Guide to the Bible. God help me.

By this point you may be asking “Gee, if you’re so miserable why don’t you just leave?” What you dear reader, dear sweet innocent reader, do not realize is that it is like a post apocalyptic hell hole outside these confines. I would much rather stay safe in a place “familiar” then have to battle the hoards of already traffic miffed hungry zombies running about in a terrifying apathy to those they mow down just to get a seat at Cheesecake Factory. No thank you. I’ll take my chances in a bookstore any day.

I think it’s funny how antisocial readers of graphic novels are. They stand apart from everyone and when they pick up a book they like they scurry into the corner and read, completely dead to the world. So, out of boredom and just plain sadism, I decided to mess with ‘em.

I watched them very closely as they picked out what their choice was. By closely I mean I was practically they’re second shadow. After they picked out an item I waited until they turned away and anticipated their next move and took the next in the series. Needless to say when they returned a bit later, they were a bit dumbfounded. Want to find out what happens next? Well you’ll have to settle for the time gap between books 3-5 my friend. This is not all I did as I would grab the same copy they had chosen and sit juuusssttt far away where they couldn’t see what I was reading. However I could see what page they were on and proceeded to shout out spoilers just before they could get to it. They didn’t stay by me long.

I feel like kind of a prick as I am in people’s way just typing and watching. Always watching…..

It’s really funny to watch people walk up to a table with a bag on the chair and they’re disappointed faces when they realize that someone is “sitting there” >:)

In other news: HUZZAH the internet is running! Nicely played wifi…. nicely played

And then a nook color alarm reined chaos. Is it sad that it’s alarm is more impressive then my car alarm?

Oh god, they turned on the oven. The COOKIE OVEN. What cruel torture would drive them to commit such a sin? I would murder in cold blood for whatever is making that smell right now… Also I haven’t seen this many preteens since the starbucks on Main Street on a Friday night back home.

I feel kinda weird “writing” in public. Take for instance the guy sitting behind me (yes I have moved to the B&N café aka totally starbucks in all but name). I get all paranoid that he’s looking at what I write or the fact that I’ve been catching up on all my webcomics as of recently.

I feel the need to subject myself to the siren call of coffee. However this requires me to physically leave my laptop in order to stave off the table hunting hyenas with me marked territory and walk the ten feet to the counter. Of course, living in a world where one steals a pencil cap in 0.005 seconds of a person abandoning it. I have some reservations.

I don’t think a coyote could’ve watched a child any more closely than I watched my laptop when I dared to order.

And so with only an hour to go and the place noticeably cleared out I feel as if my adventure ends quietly. But watch, as soon as I post this something totally awesome will happen and make this ridiculously long post actually worth something.